Sometimes we must get so blinded by whatever that we cannot even see the truth. No matter what other people say (or do not say at the moment, but say later) or don't say, it seems so blissful and obvious and delightful that we can't imagine anything could go wrong. We are happy, we feel love. The joy we felt only moments earlier doesn't matter because this is the real thing. And well it should be. We deserve love. We deserve respect. We've earned our happy ending.
It doesn't always work out like that.
We find ourselves feeling stranded, feeling sorry for ourselves and confused by everything that has gone terribly wrong. We're embarassed to ask for help but there isn't any other way to survive. We just have to move forward, because if we get stuck in that moment than we only spiral, downward, outward, inward, away from the center like a hurricane. We're not opening our eyes to the beauty and magick around us, but wallowing in thick, dark sludge that sticks to bones and pores and muscles like molasses in summer, when the heat of the air and the heat of the sun thin the molecules of syrup to run like rain off the Appalachians.
It only makes our muscles hurt, this walking around with molasses, limbs heavy from the extra weight of it all. But if we can let it go, heat our cores so that the weight runs and beads and slides right off, then our limbs are free to dance and move and fly as they need. The important thing to remember is to stay righteous in our heat, maintain our righteous anger and frustrations, and to let go of those feelings that are not truly ours, and those which do not serve the greatest good.
I know a womyn who, at the dark of the moon, goes into a safe ritual space to honor hir "righteous rage." It may mean taking a bat to a cardboard box. It may mean screaming and stomping and jumping up and down until shi cries. Whatever the action, it is a safe, positive, and true release of that emotion. And it is rightfully hirs.
I do not know my righteous rage. I cannot look it in the face to respect or understand it. I feel it is not mine. Perhaps now is my time to reclaim that rage. This, this spur in my heel, this sudden shift of all I have known and created these last seven months, this is my time to be angry. This is when I get to honor those feelings of anger and fury that have stayed cold like the snow on the volcano.
It is not to hurt another. It is not to hurt myself. It is not to hurt any one or any thing.
It is time to face the demons. To enter the circle and stand across the fire, looking through the flames at the figures which have shaped me, and stare them down. Demons will not jump those flames, will not attempt to cross into my sacred space. Where before I did not know how to uninvite and keep them out, now I see that I get to make that choice. When young, I could not choose.
I am not young.
So, I may not be available. I may not email you or write. I might call on the phone with an update, or a request. You may want to call up me. I am making another large decision, this time spurred by actions not entirely my own, and I am once again going to start anew. This time, it is where I can grow and learn. It may not be my island, but who is to say that this really was my island to begin? I have the opportunity to make a conscious decision and really manifest what I need and want. I can only see it in this way.
I may end up near you. I may stay far away. I might go where it is hot in the summer and frigid in the winters. I might stay in this place, of temperate weather and temperate times.
I take that back. I'm not staying in this place. Life can only move in a forward direction.
I love you all, even those who have complicated my decisions. Support me however you can, with words, with thoughts, with funds, with love.
And for those of you who do not know, I am not living on an island in the Puget Sound with a Dragan and two dogs and a cat. I do not have most of my belongings, and will be getting them somehow with an escort. I do not have a car, I have my legs. I do not have a roof, I am borrowing a tent. I have been in Washington seven months, and I have not felt like glitter since before I came here, before I met Dragan, since I went to the Conference and met womyn who could share their love, light and wisdom with me.
It's time to be glitter again ...